Something More

I hate to come out and say it so baldly
But I miss the old Brian.
Sure, his skin was green and slimy
And I could hold him in the palm of my hand,
But the expectation of “something more” was intoxicating.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the castle,
The handmaidens,
And the whole lifestyle
That comes with being a Princess,
Though when it comes right down to it,
What does any of that matter
In the face of a stagnating life?

At the intersection of wanting and having,
There is a magical place
Where anything could happen.
In that moment of the kiss,
When he could have been anything,
Like Schrödinger’s Cat,
He was everything.

Now he’s just some handsome old prince.
I know, I know–
That’s a terrible thing to say.
Who wouldn’t want to be me?
I have a royal husband,
And a life full of comfortable things
But I can’t help wonder what would have happened
Had I passed by that pool of water,
Never met Brian,
Stayed in school and gotten my degree.
Would I be just another nerdy kid waiting for her big break?
Where would I be?
Would I be happy?

Not many people know this
But I dreamed of being a physicist.
The squeak of marker on whiteboard,
Caffeinated late-nights,
Working on papers
To be graded by old men with suspenders and bow-ties;
These were the real things,
When I was made of bone and flesh and blood.

Skin glistening so seductively
The water fresh and sweet on my lips.
I wish I could say I can still taste it
After all these years.

Is this why people have affairs?
To recapture the exhilaration
Of the upward slope in the parabola of our life’s trajectory?

Sometimes on golden afternoons
I nap in my gazebo by the pond.

I always dream of kissing frogs.

Catherine Weiss is a poet and author living in Northampton, MA with her husband and several smelly domesticated animals. More can be found about Catherine and her work at her website.